there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
