Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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