im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize