my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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