i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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