he wants to bone in the snuggie
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
