I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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