don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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