Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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