Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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