I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
