you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
