Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
