after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
