The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
