You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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