im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
