peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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