Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
