He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
