At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
