My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
