Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
