how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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