I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
