9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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