I'm gonna have a badass scar
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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