you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
