You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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