Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
