your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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