i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
