I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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