kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
