Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
