Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
