chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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