it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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