I got her a Nickelback box set.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
