Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
