i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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