could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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