I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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