hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
