Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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