mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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