Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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