Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
