Old men and throwing up are my life now.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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