let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
