The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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