"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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