He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
