Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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