the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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